Baked Chunk

Hello, I Must Be Going

2005-04-05T13:46:00.000-04:00

Righteous indignation be damned, I'm back to Blogdrive.

Click here for my new digs.

Update your links accordingly. Or not.

You Get What You Pay For

2005-04-04T21:18:00.000-04:00

Blogger sucks wind.

I need to go somewhere else as this free service has become fubar. I'm actually considering going back to Blogdrive where the only problem I ever had was of an editorial nature with the people who run it. Comments work here about half the time and posting has become treacherous.

More to come, recommendations welcome. No, I don't need advice on where to stick my head but thanks.

FYI

2005-04-04T09:45:00.000-04:00

I've been sick for the past week but should be back to my inane posting self tonight.

Bang Your Head

2005-03-28T21:16:00.000-05:00

I'm not feeling real prolific tonight so I'll just offer up a quiz. I give you semi-vague 80's musicians (mostyly guitar players - go figure), you give me the band. No google. Google bad.

1) Warren DiMartini
2) Donald Roeser (hint: trick question)
3) Herman Rarebell
4) Tom Peterson
5) Punky Meadows (super bonus points)
6) Nicko McBrain
7) Carlos Cavazo
8) Barry Goudreau (dipping back into the 70's)
9) Glenn Tipton

Victory

2005-03-23T20:43:00.000-05:00

And you thought I wouldn't win.

Well, I did have to concede new bedroom furniture to my wife but I think it was worth it. Ladies and gentlemen, the Gibson Les Paul Classic 1960 Heritage Cherry Sunburst - the newest addition to the One-armed boy family.

It's a sweet ride.

New and Improved!

2005-03-22T20:43:00.000-05:00

Smell that? No? Get closer to your monitor and take a big whiff. Use a wafting motion if necessary. Breathe deep.

Yep, it's Rotting Moose.

I'm proud to be the beta blog for the new Blogger Blogstink™ feature. Here are some other scents that I'll be trying out this week.

Pile 'O' Crap
Old Mall Walker
Musty Crab
Gank
Pieces of Ape
Bob With One Eye
Will Is Right Sweat Pants

Please, let me know how you like the new feature. Your input is very important to me.

Sermon on the Ant Hill

2005-03-20T20:39:00.000-05:00

To anyone I've every wronged, judged, ticked off or otherwise folded, spindled or mutilated I hereby apologize.

Life is too short man.

Howdy

2005-03-18T08:41:00.000-05:00

I'm back. This was more important than blogging for a few days.

3/9/2005

2005-03-09T20:27:00.000-05:00

In order to seek grief counseling to better deal with Dan Rather's departure Baked Chunk will be offline until March 14.

Until then I leave you with "Fat Man Sitting on a Tack in a Green Room"

Random Thought Theater

2005-03-07T20:52:00.000-05:00

Grapefruit is underrated.
Boxers are better than briefs.
Hair.
People will laugh at brushed metal appliances 20 years from now the way we currently laugh at burnt orange and avacado.
Freebird.
I can still remember what my grandmother's farm house smelled like when I was 5.
Don't touch my monitor screen. Ever.
Post no bills.
No pepper games allowed.

You Know You're a Lancaster Native

2005-03-05T11:56:00.000-05:00

(thanks for the idea Beth)

When.....

You give someone an icy stare because they pronounce 'Lancaster' the way it's spelled.

You judge food by volume and gravy ratio.

You wet your pants and weep uncontrollably if the weatherman predicts more than an eighth of an inch of snow.

Italian food is Olive Garden and Pizza Hut.

You constantly end sentences improperly with "awhile" and "then".

You know the name and route number of every 'pike'.

You don't give cyclists room on the road (special bonus points for yelling 'faggot' or 'Lance').

You complain about sprawl yet you live in a house on a plot of land that was a farm 10 years ago.

You think Amish baked goods are wonderful (this may also qualify you as a Philadelphia or New Jersey tourist).

You think 20 minutes is a long commute.

You think anyone whose family doesn't go back 5 generations is an 'outsider'.

You enjoy scrapple and Leb'nin baloney.

Comments on Comments

2005-03-03T20:27:00.000-05:00

I realized tonight that I don't care enough to spend an hour reconfiguring this stupid blog to get all of your wonderful old comments back. From here on out I am assimilated to Blogger and held captive by their semi-improved commenting feature. Let us have a moment of silence for all of your comments that are now held captive somewhere in cyberspace.

chirp chirp chirp chirp....

And now, the segue.

ABC News reports that unusual life forms have been found in the Atlantic

Towering white mineral chimneys mark the field, named the Lost City, a sharp contrast to the better-known black smoker vents that have been studied in recent years.

The discovery shows "how little we know about the ocean," lead researcher Deborah S. Kelley of the University of Washington said.

"I have been working on black smokers for about 20 years, and you sort of think you have a good idea whats going on," she said in a telephone interview.

Kelly went on to report that nearly 85 percent of the black smokers favored Kools and that the newly discovered white smokers were "all over the map. I mean we found butts from Kents, Marlboros and Merits to name but a few. In addition we didn't find a single empty 45 bottle but were astounded by the number of Coors light cans".

Blogger...grrrrrrrrr

2005-03-02T21:06:00.000-05:00

Well, I pulled up my blog in Internet Explorer tonight and saw that the formatting had completely gone to crap. I use Firefox and had noticed a couple of strange things recently but man, it was hideous in IE.

So, bear with me while I reformat the look and I'll try to get all of your pithy comments back in the meantime.

Two Things

2005-03-01T10:37:00.000-05:00

First, Mike the Right-Wing Spic is posting again. His link is over in yon links section. If you're a lefty you'll hate him but that's half the fun.

Second, I feel compelled to share with you one of the top ten stupidest things I ever did. Once upon a time back in the 80's I bought a brand new Gibson Les Paul Custom. Black. This is perhaps the nicest (IMHO) electric guitar on the face of the planet. Well, a year or so later Eddie Van Halen made Kramer the most desireable guitar for those of us in the tight-panted big hair demographic so of course I traded the Les Paul in on a nice Kramer. Well, 20 some odd years later I still have the Kramer. It's worth about 300 bucks. The Les Paul? Oh, I could probably get about $2000 for it. The real killer? I want a Les Paul. Bad. I believe I'll soon be having a conversation with my wife.....

"Honey, would you mind terribly if I........"

Ye Olde Hair Shoppe

2005-02-28T19:21:00.000-05:00

Some names I'd like to see for hair salons.

Shear Stupidity
Uncle Smelly's Hair Cuttin' and Bait
Shear Agony
The Gay Blade
Heads You Lose
Don King's Kustom Kuts
Stylin' and Profilin'
Heads Will Roll
Shear Shears
Shaky Pete's

As always, make up your own. S'fun.

'Allo. You are well? Bon.

2005-02-24T20:31:00.000-05:00

Ees true thees thing ahm about to tell you. No, ees not about ze sandaweech for we have already spoken at zee length about that theeng. Ees also not about zee monkey bars and how I would get on zem but it would be so verrrry pointaless to do so. Maybee you tink ahm going to tell you why I wear zee black un white stripe-ed shirt and zee tight black pants and zee reediculous beret and why I sport zee tiny leetle moustache but it ees not so even though all of thees tings make you want to a look like mee. No. Perhaps another time but the rrrrreason ah am here to talk to you ees a-differaunt. For I want to tell you about.....excusez-moi, zee phone, she rings. Allo? Jean Paul? No, he's not here. He is shopping for ze new pants. What kind? I do not know but his other ones they are broken. D'accord? Au revoir.

So, you are still here. Now you go away for I grow weary of you.

Fizz and Deebs

2005-02-23T20:32:00.000-05:00

and now a triumphant return to the "me and freakin' Deebs, man" genre.....

So this one time me and Deebs was down at Fizz's house. Freakin Fizz man, that dude is mental. So Deebs sez "Hey Fizz man, you got any grilled cheeses?" and freakin Fizz just goes ape. He starts screamin' at Deebs about bein' a leech and always tryin' to hork grilled cheeses at his house and how his mom don't buy groceries just so Deebs can stuff his cake hole with their food. I mean he was screamin'. And you wouldn't believe it man. Freakin' Deebs starts cryin' like a little girl and that just makes Fizz madder. Fizz got him in a headlock and starts runnin' around the whole house draggin' Deebs and givin' him the dutch rub and callin' him a cheese leech. Deebs pants started fallin' down and his crack was hangin' out and all the while he was makin' sounds like freakin' dolphin. I was laughin' so hard it hurt man. Fizz got tired after awhile so he let Deebs go and Deebs just kinda slumped in a pile on the floor. Man, you shoulda been there.

Editor's Note: While this story is completely made up I went to high school and hung out with individuals such as Fizz and Deebs. Trust me, this story could have actually happened.

Ball Peen

2005-02-22T20:35:00.000-05:00

First, go wish Miss Ginger a happy birthday. I'll wait.

And now, tonight's post.

the Kmart beckons me
her polyester siren song
aisles filled with discount goods
I sit and ponder shelf paper
plaid or flowers

decisions not made
products not found
I beckon to the red vested one
"please show me the way"
"I cannot" said she
for it is time to smoke

in spite of stark flourescent beams
I am but dark inside
when all appears lost
a voice from above
shows me the way
a blue light in sporting goods

Fin

Hello Pot, This is Kettle. You're Black.

2005-02-21T20:24:00.000-05:00

Bill Keller, executive editor of the New York Times relays the following.

.....he noted that a blog’s inherent bias might be detrimental to the reader. “A blog is still a view of the world through a pinhole,” he said, noting that it can sometimes fall as low as being a “one man circle jerk. There is a pressure to feel well informed without ever confronting an opinion that confronts your prejudices,” he said of blog readers.

Mr Spock?

"Fascinating."

Let's examine. There's a large - very large - contingent of folks who see the New York Times as a one ideology circle jerk (a daily visit to TimesWatch.org sheds some light). I believe that most Times readers consider themselves to be well informed yet they seldom have to confront opinions that challenge their liberal views. While I agree with Mr. Keller that most folks gravitate to news sources that make them feel cozy about their beliefs his pontificating rings hollow when held up to the light of his publication's left-wing bent. What's more interesting is that he seems threatened by bloggers and perhaps rightly so. Bloggers have placed the news media (ALL of the media including right wing outlets) under a microscope and the result is an environment of increased accountability that I'm sure chaps the living stones off of 'serious' journalists. I see this as an incredible positive. If you're reporting real news without bias then you shouldn't have to worry about a bunch of one man circle jerks checking your reporting. On the other hand if you're using journalism as a platform for promoting your agenda it's open season.

Rich Jerk Assumes Opinion of Value, Spews Forth.

2005-02-17T20:39:00.000-05:00

Peter Jennings: "How do you think the average American would change if he or she traveled more?"
Bill Gates: "I think they'd vote for politicians who cared more about the developing world and the tough conditions there. That our aid would be more enlightened and a higher percentage of what we do. I think they'd want to get involved themselves, either being part of a volunteer organization here in the U.S. or spending some time helping out overseas. I think they'd feel a more common bond and realize how privileged they are."

Thanks Bill.

That sound you hear is the collective sigh of relief from 'average Americans' who can now sleep easy knowing that yet another rich and famous goofball has shown them the light. There's absolutely nothing more refreshing than having someone who can purchase a third world country tell the common man that he should be apportioning a 'higher percentage' to 'more enlightened aid' and that he should 'realize how privileged he is'.

Oh shuttup.

"It Was Heck" Recalls Former Child

2005-02-15T20:47:00.000-05:00

SANTA MARIA, California (CNN) -- Jury selection in Michael Jackson's child molestation trial was put on hold for a week Tuesday after the pop star was hospitalized with what a doctor described as "a flu-like illness."

Let's see. The last time I had a 'flu -like' illness I became ill on a three hour drive. I had to stop the car at a very busy mini-market in order to release the contents of my lower intestine before I exploded in my car. The ceramic tile of the small bathroom only served to amplify my intestinal distress to the horror of the cashiers and customers. I believe that to this very day there is small plaque in my honor hanging in that bathroom. Beware thy hinder regions from gun blasting indeed.

By the time I got home my temperature was 103. I spent the rest of the night hugging the cool porcelain toilet and spewing hideousness from every, well, nevermind. I was finally able to suck on an ice cube around 7 the next morning. Somehow I survived without going to the emergency room. As for you King of Pop, you're a big skirt.

Breaking News....

2005-02-15T14:34:00.000-05:00

The annual foray of Sports Illustrated into soft core porn (The Swimsuit Issue) has been deemed 'newsworthy' by none other than CNN.com.

Let's see......

Time Warner owns CNN
Time Warner owns Sports Illustrated

Hmmmm. Newsworthy.

Philip and Brock

2005-02-11T21:26:00.000-05:00

Philip sat silently on the fence while Brock
looked on. "I am so handsome" thought Philip. "So
very, very handsome. Perhaps if I squint my eyes
and look pensive Brock will go away".

It was not to be. In an unexpected turn of events
Brock challenged Philip to a wind passing contest.

It had been a hard day. Philip thought back on his
inglorious defeat in the wind passing contest with shame.

And now this. "If only I could remember how to tuck in my
shirt" thought Philip. It was almost too much to bear.

"Perhaps if I look angst ridden and pensive someone will tell
me how wonderful I am".

Alas, it was not to be. Philip walked slowly away with his
eyes still closed and stepped on a rake.

Brock basked in the glow of his victory. Philip had finally
been vanquished and now Brock was Lord of the Sales
Circular and held the high honor of posing in the coveted
dork outfit with short pants.

It wasn't until later that the photographer noticed that Brock
had only half a thumb.

Editor's Note: This space for rent.

Live From the Minnebraska Channel 8 Newsroom

2005-02-10T21:25:00.000-05:00

Good evening, I'm Mal Feasance.

Several people gathered today to watch Bill's Paving lay new blacktop on Fran and Betty Johnson's driveway. Betty served hot chocolate to the onlookers and traded several comments regarding the recent stretch of cold weather.

In local government news alderman P. Kieferson Walters was recently honored for Exemplary Service in the Pursuit of Civic Status Quo.

I have a shiny little box and I keep it tucked away in a safe place to keep lookee loos away.

Minnebraska firemen responded to a call last night at Miniotti's House-a-de-Pasta. While no fire was found several customers complained that the clams al forno were too hot.

Local singing legend Junior Holmes has filed a copyright infringement lawsuit to pursue damages from a little known blogger for posting the lyrics to "I Done Et A Toad" without written consent.

In a sad story Pat Pending, vice principal of Ted Nugent Area High School lost his pinky toe to nocturnal ice weasles while winter camping with his dog Fresca on the frozen shores of Lake Camawanahooten.

This just in: Camptown race track 5 miles long, oh dee doo dah day.

That's the news.

It's All About You

2005-02-09T20:35:00.000-05:00

Hello. I am Kevin the One-armed Boy. My blogging commitment to you is lifelong.

Your entertainment is vital to me. In fact, it's everything to me. I care so very deeply about entertaining you that sometimes I will sit for hours without eating or bathing until I am struck with thoughts profound. Sometimes I awaken in the middle of the night with my head mashed against the keyboard with about 350,000 of the same letter scrawling across the screen. Sort of like this

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Try it yourself. Open up a text editor and mash your head against the keyboard. I'm going to try it now. uijhkjnuhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Fascinating stuff. I now leave you with a short drummer story.

I went out to dinner many years ago with some fellow musicians. We're talking hair band guys. The following dialogue took place between the waitress and drummer. I'm not making this up.

Waitress: "Would you like the soup or salad?"
Drummer: "Yes"

You see the drummer lacking both experience in fine dining and brain cells thought that the waitress had inquired as to his affinity for the 'Super Salad'. Hungry as he was it seemed like a good idea.

Goodnight. asl;hkjsadlkjfkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Post of the Day: This One

2005-02-08T14:26:00.000-05:00

Head Covering of the Month: Hat
Bad Smell of the Week: Wet Dog
Car of the Day: 1979 AMC Pacer

Make up your own. S'fun.

Fly Eagles, Fly

2005-02-06T22:41:00.000-05:00

I Really didn't care too much about the outcome of the game but as always I'm willing to offer up some commentary.

I decided earlier this past week to pull for New England as the blather from Eagles fans here in central Pennsylvania became intolerable. I watched the first half at a Super Bowl party with a bunch of friends who are Eagles fans. Great half of football. Lousy television coverage and the commercials were weak. Personally, I just can't get enough of MC Hammer. Oh yeah, the pre-game had me heating up needles on the stove top to plunge into my eyes. I also considered sticking them in my ears. I mean what demographic was the NFL shooting for? Charlie Daniels, Black Eyed Peas (kill me), Earth Wind and Fire. Where was Kool and the Gang? Maybe they were hidden in the crowd of 80 people the NFL had paid to stand in front of the 'talent'. Thankfully we hit the road during halftime and missed that wonderful spectacle.

As for the second half I watched it at home and turned the sound off. Talk about bliss. Each commercial break was met with the click of the remote. Not once did I have to listen to Pam Oliver's 'insights'.

The Pats were dominant and deserved to win. I have but a few more complaints. I think there were two teams involved in this game but apparently there were only 4 players, at least in the eyes of Fox Sports. McNabb, T.O., Brady and Teddy. Especially Teddy. For crying out loud give the other players some face time.

Having typed all of this I've realized one thing. I'm pretty much sick of the entire spectacle. Maybe I'll care if the Steelers make it back in my lifetime but for now I'll sum it up thusly.

Feh.

The Sweet Smell of Horror

2005-02-05T20:31:00.000-05:00

So today I showed a couple of houses. One in particular stood out. It was a nice house with a huge lot and a fantastic view. Big whoop. I see lots of those. One problem with this house. When we walked in the door my nostrils were filled with an odor that made me gag. I'm not an easy puker but it took a Herculean effort to keep my stomach contents in check. Thesaurus.com gives the following synonyms for 'putrid'.

bad, contaminated, corrupt, decayed, decomposed, fetid, foul, high, malodorous, moldered, nidorous, noisome, off, putrefied, rancid, rank, reeking, rotting, smelly, spoiled, stinking, strong, tainted, whiffy

All were applicable (ok, maybe not 'whiffy'). The funny thing is this. I believe the smell was emanating from the food that was fermenting on the top of the stove. Great Ceasar's ghost it was bad. Am I making that clear? Anyway, I need some help here. The owners of the home were of latin descent. I have had precious little interaction with folks of this heritage (note: my wife is 1/4 Puerto Rican but she's got as much in common with that background as Jeff of BlogdayAfternoon has with Ann Coulter) and therefore I am not familiar with any affinity they might have for stinky foods. If any of you can shed some light on this I would truly appreciate it. Hopefully Mike the Right Wing Spic will catch this post and throw me a bone.

Who knows, maybe the reek of garlic in my house on a Sunday afternoon would have the same impact on these folks as their fare had on me. It's a strange marble we live on.

I Done Et A Toad

2005-02-03T20:24:00.000-05:00

by Junior Holmes

Ah'm a ridin' this mule to south Texarkana
Ain't got no hardtack ain't got no bananas.
My belly was grumblin' had to lighten the load
and I ain't ashamed that I et me a toad.

Chorus
Et a toad, et a toad yes I done et toad.
Coulda et me a cactus or some lizards I s'pose
The first one I et I found squished on the road
and ever since then I been eatin' them toads.

Some toads is juicy and some toads is dry.
The big ones are best when you bake 'em in pie.
There ain't nothin' a'tall in no penal code
So fer the rest of my life I'll be eatin' them toads.

(chorus)
(Dobro guitar solo)

(spoken)
I've been ridin' the range since I was a boy. Now I'm a man and a man's got needs. A good horse and the sun on my neck. My gal at the end of the trail and 3 squares a day. Sometimes a man's got to do what a man's got to do. Sometimes you fry 'em but sometimes you ain't got the time. Sometimes you just gotta break their little necks and chew 'em up as is. But there ain't no shame in that. Hold your head high cowboy, hold your head high.

(chorus)

The Groundhog Has Spoken

2005-02-02T14:29:00.000-05:00

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pennsylvania (AP) -- Punxsutawney Phil has spoken, and the news isn't good. The world's most famous furry forecaster saw his shadow Wednesday on Gobbler's Knob, suggesting another six weeks of wintry weather.

Other animal prediction related news follows.

Carl the Crayfish has shed his exoskeleton in February which indicates that the moon will shine bright all through the night deep in the heart of Texas.

Ted the Syphilitic donkey has predicted that local watering hole Bob's Bucket 'o' Clams will reinstate every Wednesday night as 'Clean Glass Night'.

Larry Lake Trout continues to stare blankly at a miniature plastic deep sea diver indicating an outbreak of shingles amongst the residents of Shady Pines Rest Home.

Let's Go Mets

2005-01-23T21:24:00.000-05:00

Pats Vs. Eagles.

Someone please kill me. Thank you.

Actually the worst part is I'm going to have to tell my 7 year old that the Steelers lost tomorrow morning and he'll probably cry. Dang I hate that.

I Resolve To Never Again Speak In Absolute Terms

2005-01-21T20:51:00.000-05:00

Self-refuting post title aside, hello again.

I think my batteries are officially recharged. That's French for "I've started working out seriously again and feel like I can actually come up with thoughts that are more creative than 'I just want to put my head down and sleep'".

It's been a tough few weeks. Between people dying and exhaustion life has pretty much been biting it lately. Then again, my hometown hasn't been wiped out by weather events of biblical proportion, my family is all in one piece and the Steelers got an incredible gift last weekend. Thank you New York Jets for making the magic happen.

Speaking of football I haven't seen a single prediction for the AFC Championship game with the Steelers as victors. Good. The fat keyboard jockeys are hanging their predictions on the fact that Roethlisberger had a horrible game against the Jets (and yes, he did). I think the kid comes back this week with a good game. More importantly the Steelers are going to win with defense and the power of the offensive line and running game. Key points: Dillon isn't running against the Colts this week and the possible horrible weather conditions will favor the Steelers power game. Regardless, it's going to be a battle. My other hope is that the Eagles win and we have an all Pennsylvania Super Bowl and we can finally shut Will up. Just kidding Will - I actually hope the Falcons win this week so we can shut you up sooner. Ain't football grand?

Sabbatical, Bloody Sabbatical

2005-01-17T19:14:00.000-05:00

I don't want to do this anymore but then again you know me. 'Anymore' will probably last about a week.

Until then.

Admit It, You Missed Me

2005-01-15T09:15:00.000-05:00

My muse left me for about a week. It was last seen with my mojo heading in a southeasterly direction on a trail previously taken by my 'cool'. In fact, I can pinpoint the exact moment all of the 'cool' was sucked out of my body. It was in 1997 and I was driving my wife's old Camry and I realized it had a Winnie The Pooh sun visor in the back window. Maybe I told you that before but eh, I'm getting old.

Anyhoo, death visited the one-armed boy's realm last Monday. I won't bore you with the details because it's something we all have to deal with and besides, some things aren't open to debate on this forum, mainly eternal life. Suffice it to say it's been a rough week.

Things will be getting back to what passes for normal around here. In the meantime go get yourself a 'Hello Wipey'.

Hello Wipey

2005-01-08T14:02:00.000-05:00

You will to be trying the Hello Wipey. Hello Wipey not to be eaten for food lunch. Please to take Hello Wipey out of box before use to doing thing. Try Hello Wipey often. Many fun times to be had with Hello Wipey. Please to not doing Hello Wipey in eyes. Hello Wipey good in up and down angle. When break buy new. Hello Wipey bad in dark. Protect Hello Wipey from the scratching but humid wet ok. Enjoy new Hello Wipey not with dog or child.

BC News

2005-01-06T20:40:00.000-05:00

Good evening and welcome to another edition of Baked Chunk News. I'm Ted Adhesive.

A fight broke out in downtown Minnebraska today. Two friends, Aaron Shumaker and Nelson Danderman were walking down the street when passersby overheard Mr. Shumaker tell Mr. Danderman that he quote "looked hot in that sweater". Apparently Mr. Danderman did not realize that Mr. Shumaker was referencing the warm weather and the potential for being uncomfortable in heavy clothing as Danderman accused Shumaker of being quote "a peter puffer" and commenced with fisticuffs.
EMT's were summoned to Hal's Eats today when Ms. Sally Picket choked on the lunch special. Here's video from the scene with an eyewitness. Eyewitness: "She done horked a wad of the meatloaf sammich across the diner when them EMT guys gave her the hindlick manuever". Thankfully Ms. Picket was OK.
Local businessman Angelo Martino was recently honored by the Italians Against Stereotypes as an Outstanding Italian American. Mr Martino thanked the IAS for the award and told us the following. "Eh, wassa matta wid you? You gotta problem? Huh? Get that camera the hell outta here. Dis is a legitimate business."
Building and Loan President Peter Bailey recently figured out how to save three cents on a length of pipe.
Local singing legend Junior Holmes performed his hit "I Done Et a Toad" during a candlelight vigil in memory of Junior Samples. You may remember that Hee Haw legend Samples was at one time incarcerated at Minnebraska County Jail and that protesters picketed the jail chanting "free Samples, free Samples". The protest was a failure as throngs of people gathered to collect their free samples and chaos erupted as none were to be had.
Local American Indian carpenter Joe Running Deer has officially changed his name to "Stands With a Trowel"

That's the news.

Editor's Note: You think making this crap up is easy? The things I do for you people. Then you come in here and start tracking mud all over my nice clean floor. That's the thanks I get.

Story Time

2005-01-05T19:45:00.000-05:00

Hello. I want to tell you a story. Come closer. Closer. OK, now I will tell you.

Once upon a time there was a man called Skeeter Jack. Skeeter Jack was a hunter and a trapper and lived by himself on the midwestern mountains and plains. He bore the cruel brunt of many a freezing winter and nearly as many blazing hot summers yet Skeeter Jack survived and flourished. One day Skeeter Jack arrived in town to buy himself some supplies and some panties. You see, Skeeter Jack liked the feel of the silky fabric and he especially liked the big ol' grandma panties. "Lookee here" said Skeeter Jack to Mr. Naismith of Naismith's Dry Goods. "I'll be havin' 15 pairs of the biggest grandma panties that ye got in the store". Mr. Naismith looked at Skeeter Jack standing in front of him - a strapping man with a 2 foot long beard, buckskin clothes and a bowie knife. At first only the left corner of Mr. Naismith's mouth curled upwards but this soon gave way to a full faced grin only to be followed by gales of uncontrollable laughter.

Later that week they hanged Skeeter Jack for plugging Mr. Naismith full of holes. They say he was wearing a brand new pair of panties. Big Ol' Panties.

Grandma panties.

"Who's Your Daddy"

2005-01-03T17:49:00.000-05:00

Cut to a meeting room at Fox Television....
Fox Network Big Cheese (FNBC): "Come on people I want to hear some ideas."
Toady 1: "Um, we gather up some old Jews and they spend a week with Snoop Dawg and he has to try and pick the one who's not an Auschwitz survivor?"
FNBC: "Not bad but old Jews are depressing. Give me something else."
Toady 2: "Here's a premise. We gather up some homeless people and quiz them on current events and the winner gets a makeover."
FNBC: "I think Howard Stern already did that. What else have you got?"
Toady 3: "Let's take an adult who was adopted as an infant and give her $100,000 if she can pick her birth father out of 5 guys. If she guesses the wrong guy he gets the cash."
FNBC: "PERFECT! Is she hot?"

As you're probably aware "Who's Your Daddy" is in fact a real show. According to the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute there are 1.5 million adopted children in the United States, over 2% of all U.S. children while 58% of Americans know someone who has been adopted, has adopted a child or has relinquished a child for adoption.

On a human level I'm disgusted by this show. As an adoptive parent I'm outraged. If your take on this is "just don't watch it" your head is so far up your anal cavity you're beyond help. My heart goes out to the birth mothers who have had the guts to carry a child to term knowing full well that they would be giving their babies away. It's also beyond comprehension that the feelings of adolescents who are coming to terms with their adoptive status were not taken into consideration.

As for the good people at Fox here's what they have to say.

".....any network affiliate that feels the programing may be inappropriate for their individual market has the right to pre-empt the special."

Individual market? It makes me proud to live in a society where decency has been relegated to a category as opposed to a common attribute of the human race.

2004 - 2005

2004-12-31T20:50:00.000-05:00

I'm not much on wild celebrations of the new year at this point in my life. Sure, it's a time to reflect on the past year. Most of us have many blessings to be thankful for and the inevitable losses and defeats to rationalize and mourn. For me the blessings have been many and unfortunately I've screwed up a few times too. I thank God for the blessings and am grateful that He forgives me for the mistakes. Here are my virtual wishes and prayers for the coming year.

I pray for a friend and her son who was recently shipped off to Iraq.
I hope that I can be respectful of those I disagree with and be a better listener.
I pray for those impacted by the tsunamis. Send them some money folks. Lutheran World Relief is an easy way to do it.
I wish all of you who come here to enjoy my quirky little corner of cyberspace peace, prosperity and all of the best that life has to offer. Daveman, Miss Ginger, Jeff, Greg, Mike, Will, Biff, Beth, Pragmatist, The One and Only Dave, Opera Guitarist (where are you man?), Spaniard, Lord Byron Sander, Chris, Doctor Doug, CPH Boy, and those of you I may have missed - I don't always agree with you but I'm always glad that you make this little blog a part of your day.
I hope that Greg finally gets to eat at a real Italian restaurant and gives up on Olive Garden.
Daveman, you've provided me with a lot behind the scenes help, advice and friendship and I thank you.
I pray for our fallen world and that we all try to make it a better place for our kids.

Happy 2005.

See you soon

2004-12-27T09:16:00.000-05:00

I'll be back online later this week. Until then enjoy some pie.

Favorite Quotes From Christmas Movies

2004-12-23T18:42:00.000-05:00

"Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense"
- adult Ralphie voiceover in "A Christmas Story

"...everytime Cathrine revved up the microwave, I'd p*ss my pants and forget who I was for about a half-hour or so"
- Cousin Eddie in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation"

"Leave the gun, take the cannoli"
- Clemenza in "The Godfather" Note: While 'The Godfather' is not a Christmas movie per se Don Corleone WAS shot during the Christmas season. Better yet, 'Spike TV' is running the Godfather movies this week and the advertising hook is "Spend Christmas with The Family".

"Hey look, mister, we serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast and we don't need any characters around to give the joint atmosphere. Is that clear or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?"
- Nick the bartender in "It's a Wonderful Life" Note: Olde Tyme Baked Chunk readers may remember that this quote appeared as the byline on the orinal Chunk.

"You're not Santa. You smell like beef and cheese! You don't smell like Santa."
Buddy the Elf in 'Elf' (one of the worst movies I've seen in the past few years)

"Oh, what is this Frank? Oh, oh, look Frank. It's a TOASTER." [Hits him in the forehead with the toaster]
- Ghost of Christmas Present in "Scrooged"

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
- the Grinch in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"

There are tons of others - especially from the Big 3 (Christmas Vacation, IAWL & Christmas Story). I'd like to end this post by wishing all of you who celebrate the birth of our lord Jesus Christ a very Merry Christmas. For those of you who don't - Happy Festivus. I leave all of you with the following.

For a few precious hours, he is beheld. Christ the Lord. Those who pass the year without seeing him, suddenly see him. People who have been accustomed to using his name in vain, pause to use it in praise. Eyes, now free of the blinders of self, marvel at his majesty.

All of a sudden he’s everywhere. In the grin of the policeman as he drives his paddy wagon full of presents to the orphanage. In the emotion of the father who is too thankful to finish the dinner table prayer. He’s in the tears of the mother as she welcomes home her son from overseas. He’s in the heart of the man who spent Christmas morning on skid row giving away cold baloney sandwiches and warm wishes. And he’s in the solemn silence of the crowd of shopping mall shoppers as the elementary school chorus sings "Away in a Manger." Emmanuel. He is with us. God came near.

It’s Christmas night. In a few hours the cleanup will begin—lights will come down, trees will be thrown out. Size 36 will be exchanged for size 40, eggnog will be on sale for half-price. Soon life will be normal again. December’s generosity will become January’s payments and the magic will begin to fade.

But for the moment, the magic is still in the air. Maybe that’s why I’m still awake. I want to savor the spirit just a bit more. I want to pray that those who beheld him today will look for him next August. And I can’t help but linger on one fanciful thought: if he can do so much with such timid prayers lamely offered in December, how much more could he do if we thought of him every day? Until next time.
- Max Lucado

All I Want for Christmas....

2004-12-22T19:57:00.000-05:00

Just in case you were wondering what I would like to see under the tree this year.

The Hoyt Ultramag. A new and exciting way for me to add to the bounty in the chest freezer.

City Sidewalks....

2004-12-20T20:40:00.000-05:00

I went for a nice long run tonight. I think the windchill was around 0 degrees Fahrenheit which I believe equates to about -897 centimeters in Canada. Suffice it to say that it was cold. In fact, I was quite confident that any frenzied canine intent on ripping my genitalia from my body would be unsuccessful as said package had found shelter in my lower body cavity. Yes, it was cold.

I have had ample opportunity to assess current Christmas decorating trends during these evening trots and I feel that it's my duty to share my conclusions with you. Ratings on a scale of 1 to 10 follow the descriptions. 1 sucks, 10 is George Bailey running down Main Street.

The higher end neighborhood residents seem to be in love with small white lights and spotlights. These colorless displays have a stark, POW camp quality. I expect to see Allied prisoners darting from tree to tree trying to escape from under the watchful eye of the Nazi sentry posted by the BMW 5 series parked in the driveway. Actually it's a nice clean look but cheerless. I give it 4.5.
Gigantic blow-up Santa/Grinch/Frosty. What, no giant blow up nativity scenes? I was driving through a small town on Saturday and noticed that every single blow up decoration had been deflated. No kidding. I saw about 30 piles of punctured, colorful rubber lawn blobs. My only deduction was that some crafty local lads possessed 1) a car and 2) a BB gun. I felt bad for the homeowners but a little satisfaction as these things are fairly hideous. 2.0.
Multi-colored small lights on shrubs/landscaping. 8.0 (Guess how my house is decorated? I have a spotlight too so sue me, OK?
Mutli-colored big 'ole lights on shrubs/landscaping. I give the big bulbs a 7.0 based solely on nostalgia.
Icicle lights. 3.
Square 'web' lights that people stretch over bushes. These are the epitome of "I want to decorate but I'm incredibly lazy". 5.
Every neighborhood has one guy who demands maximum Three Mile Island output. You couldn't pay me a million dollars to live next door to this Clark Griswold wanna-be but man, nothing makes me smile more on a run that going past one of these Christmas Carnivals. My kids love these nutjobs too. 9.5.

Editor's Note: Ted gnawed at the dry sandwich and silently cursed Patty to a slow and painful demise for her lack of foresight in not purchasing extra mayonnaise.

Larry King Diamond

2004-12-16T19:17:00.000-05:00

Hello and welcome to another edition of "Larry King Live"!

They say talk is cheap but if you ask me nothing is a better value than a pack of Kents.

So I'm talking to Debbie Reynolds and she says "Larry, please stop calling me". She's a cuckoo gal that Debbie. Speaking of Debbie you just gotta try Little Debbie Reduced Fat Fudge Brownies!

Can someone pinch me and let me know when the waistband of my pants started touching my nipples?

That Prince fella, he used to dance around in panties and the gals on stage looked just like him. He squeaked a lot and freaked me out. He was like a mocha gay pirate. Sometimes when my prostrate cranks up at night I have dreams about me and him going fishing and we're both wearing panties. It's not a good look for me people.

Anyone seen my can of Slippo? It's been gone since Wilford Brimley was on.

Mark my words: Kids are going to go for Christmas in a big way this year.

I respected the music of John Lennon and I respected the man but for the life of me I never could figure out the song where he wanted to give Pete some pants.

Can I get a Tab? No? You got any of that Holiday Coke crap?

Editor's Note: This 'Larry King' thing has been a posting crutch for two years running. To confirm your worst fears we have absolutely no intention of bagging it.

Wayfaring Strangers Visit the Dutch Country

2004-12-15T20:57:00.000-05:00

I live in a very small town in northern Lancaster county in Pennsylvania in an upper-middle class development. There's a smattering of million dollar homes for good measure. As I departed my house for a run the other evening I spotted a bus crawling through the neighborhood. A big bus. Greyhound sized (the bus line, not the dog). So I sez to myself "what in the freaking world is a bus doing in the middle of nowhere in our dinky development?". I figured maybe one of the rich folks on the hill had chartered it and was getting front door service. Whatever.

So last night I'm out hanging lights a la Clark Griswold. I'm yelling at my seven year old to stop messing around and please.....PLEASE try and help a little when what to my eyes appeared? Yep, you got it. A big ole' bus. Our neighborhood has arrived as a 'site of Christmas display interest' for Lancaster county bus tourists. And guess what. It stopped right in front of my house. I could see the silhouettes of tourist-gawkers watching me as I stood there with lit up strings of lights hanging from my shoulders. So I did the only thing that a man can do in that situation. I jumped up and down like a crazy person and flailed my arms over my head and ran in a little circle and goaded my son to do the same. "Margaret! Get the video camera! Look at that crazy Amishman!"

Hey, I've got an idea. I'm going to get me an Amish suit and hat, go to K-mart and buy 30 ten dollar quilts, set up shop in front of the house and sell 'em for 600 bucks apiece.

Editor's Note: We would like to point out that the use of the term "bus" has nothing to do with Jerome Bettis. While Jerome is a fine running back we do not wish to inflame certain Baked Chunk readers who may extrapolate any mention of a non-Eagle professional football player into a tangled web of accusations of Eagle hatred and wild-eyed filibustering.

Fly, Eagles Fly

2004-12-14T06:52:00.000-05:00

Will is wrong.

Regarding the Eagles that is. My friend and avowed Eagle fan Will is Right has thrown down the gauntlet and accused me of promoting my hatred of the Eagles under the guise of analysis.

In yesterday's post I pointed out the following
The three best teams in football are in the AFC. IMHO the Eagles haven't proved a thing yet by feasting on NFC pushovers.

You can read the comments on that post to make sense of the rest of this one.

Dear Will,

My feelings towards the Eagles team lean more towards apathy than hate. My disdain is saved for their fans - the vocal majority of whom are jerks. I've been to the Vet and other NFL venues. I listened to WIP for two years while commuting. Eagles fans win the jerk contest hands down. My analysis is based on the facts I previously stated.

Here's something else for you to chew on.

Highlights from that article follow.
"The five AFC teams with an 8-3 record or better -- Pittsburgh (10-1), New England (10-1), Indianapolis (8-3), San Diego (8-3) and the New York Jets (8-3) -- are 14-1 against the NFC.

The Colts should be NFC North champions because they beat Green Bay, Minnesota, Chicago and Detroit.

By comparison, Philadelphia (10-1) is the best team in the NFC. The Eagles are 8-0 in conference games, and their average margin of victory is 18.1 points a game.

Against the AFC, the Eagles are 2-1, including an overtime victory over Cleveland. They lost 27-3 at Pittsburgh. Against the AFC, the Eagles average 17.3 points and allow 22.6. Against the NFC, they average 31.2 and allow 12."

So the Eagles would be 8 point favorites over the Colts? I don't think so.

Hope to see you in Jacksonville (but I have my doubts about that pesky NFC Championship game),
ktoab

Hey, How Ya Doin'?

2004-12-12T19:49:00.000-05:00

I'm back baby.

The amount of posting I do in a given week is at times inversely proportional to the amount of bidness I do for that week. Bidness was good last week.

Some things I've missed commenting on follow.

This is a relatively fresh occurance and I was only able to watch the first half (more bidness) but the Steelers beat the Jets today. This pleases me greatly. The Bus threw a touchdown pass. That alone makes me giddy.
Notre Dame's half-assed firing of Tyrone Willingham. Racist implications aside Willingham got the shaft. Dear Holier-than-thou elitists: Welcome to the football factory world of Florida State, Miami and scores of other college programs that give brain-dead 'student athletes' a free pass in order to keep those alumni checks flowing in. Note: Many football factory 'student athletes' couldn't carry a 1.2 at a bad community college.
You think our election was nasty? We're mere pikers compared to those fun loving guys in the Ukraine. Go ask Viktor Yushchenko.
The three best teams in football are in the AFC. IMHO the Eagles haven't proved a thing yet by feasting on NFC pushovers.
My sprained ankle has still not healed. I did it in July and now I'm getting ticked.

So, I'll hopefully be back on the bloggin horse this week. Then again I've got a hot deal cooking tomorrow night.....

Beatrice and Orville

2004-12-06T20:41:00.000-05:00

This image is a header on a page at weather.com. Miss Ginger found it and featured it in a post but I think there's a deeper story and it needs to be told here.

Orville grimaced in pain as he held the satchel full of rocks perpendicular to the earth. It seemed like hours before when Beatrice had cast aspersions on his manhood and had thrown Pat O'Malley in his face for perhaps the thousandth time in their 43 year marriage. "That Pat O'Malley, do you remember the time he put you in a headlock and ran around the room with you and everyone laughed and laughed?". A story can be told one too many times and today was that day. In fact Orville had hated Beatrice for at least the past 10 years and it was time for something to give. "Shuttup you rotten old cow!" Orville bleated. "I'm more man than you can handle and I always have been! We need to end this thing once and for all." Beatrice looked stunned but her eyes still sparkled with hateful glee. Orville surveyed the room and his gaze lit on his old briefcase. "You see my briefcase you old rat bag? I'll let you take it out to the garden and fill it with shale. If I can hold it at arms length for a minute then you get the hell out of here and never come back. If I drop it then I leave and you keep everything." Beatrice laughed. "You couldn't hold a door open at WalMart for a nun". At that she grabbed the bag and they both went outside. The game was on.

1.....2......3.....Beatrice counted off and smiled her spiteful little grin. "I hate you Orville, you know I always have". 23....24....25......Orville mustered every ounce of his will and steeled himself against the agony. A spider vein burst in his forehead and his chin began to quiver. Sweat poured from his brow. 44.....45......46....."Don't drop it you old fairy" purred Beatrice. Orville's shoulder screamed in pain as his eyes glazed over and his brain started to shut down. 54....55....56.....57........58.......

The bag dropped to the ground. Orville collapsed.

Air rushed into Orville's lungs and the light returned to his world. He looked into the daylight and his ears were met with Beatrice's laughter, smooth as motor oil and as appealing as a cadaver full of roaches. Orville grabbed the satchel and lept to his feet. He swung with both arms and caught her in the temple at the apex of his swing.

Orville's roses grew really well that summer, in fact they were the talk of the retirement community.

2004-12-04T15:46:00.000-05:00

Jeff over at BlogDayAfternoon has posted his hilarious (cough) take on the favorite books of Red staters. I replied to his list with a list of my own. I hate to see it wasted on his blog so here it is for my readers (with a few embellishments)...

Favorite books of Blue staters

Living Dubious History - Hillary Clinton
Manual of Driving, Diving and Responsible Drinking - Ted Kennedy
Das Kapital - Karl Marx
Eat to Win - Michael Moore
Why The World Hates Us and Why We Need to Apologize - Anonymous
Marry Rich, Stay Wealthy - John F. Kerry
The Al Sharpton Guide to Pomade - Al Sharpton
Starbuck's: A Lifestyle Primer - Bob T. Hippy
Parenting Tips From The Childless - Various BlogDayAfternoon Contributors
Shrill, Shriller, Shrillest - Nancy Pelosi
How To Win An Election - Terry McAuliffe

Editor's Note: Jeff is a fine writer - I just disagree with nearly everything he embraces with the exception of beer, food and WalMart.

The Incredible Growing Man

2004-12-04T09:55:00.000-05:00

He didn't know he was taking steroids. Really. He didn't.

Editor's Note: We believe Barry. In fact, we have contacted the Tooth Fairy to ask her to deliver a message of support to him.

A Post For The Holiday Season

2004-11-30T16:00:00.000-05:00

"So after I buried the bodies I poured some kerosene on my clown suit and burned it up in the woods."

You Kids Get the H*ll Out Of My Yard

2004-11-29T20:46:00.000-05:00

Kids and snow. A hill.

Unfortunately the hill ends in my back yard. Not to mention the huge lip created by a water retention easement on the edge of my property that hurtles the screaming youngsters onto my lawn at heights that cause spectacular crash landings.

Not to mention that they plop over my brick retaining wall and into my landscaping.

Not to mention that at some points last winter there were at least 30 kids laying around the hill and my yard. After dark.

Not to mention that not one of them has ever asked for permission to enter my yard. Not to mention that I have to go out and tell them at least 5 times a winter to stop crashing into my shrubs.

This year the snow fence is going up. I am now an official Crabby Old Guy. I am no longer going to be Mr. Nice Guy Who Lets Kids Run Amok In His Yard. The kids will hate me. So be it. I'd rather suffer some pouty kids than parents who decide to sue me because SOMEONE has to be responsible for their kid's injury and it's certainly not them.

I feel better already.

Editor's Note: We have firm data supporting the following. Mr One-armed Boy never asked for permission to sled anywhere. Nor did he express regret when pool hopping (aka trespassing) at 2 a.m. on many a moonlit night. The editors are starting to suspect that karma is not whimsy.

Dearest NFL

2004-11-28T13:48:00.002-05:00

Today I am home for the first Sunday afternoon in a few weeks. Normally in Lancaster, Pa. it's a crap shoot to get Steeler's games on cable. You see, we are considered a secondary market for the stinking low-life scumbag spawn of Art Modell known as the Baltimore Ravens. I live in Northern Lancaster and we get a different cable system than the rest of Lancaster and luckily get almost all of the Steelers games as a result but alas today it is not to be for the Washington Redskins are in Pittsburgh and for some reason (please don't bother explaining why it's considered an NFC game - I don't care) it's a FOX game and this is Eagle's country so the 13 (ok,2) local FOX channels are carrying the Birds and Jints (now THERE's an exciting matchup). Maybe T.O. will pull a George Foreman grill out of his pants and pretend he's having a cookout in the endzone for his next scripted touchdown celebration. Please kill me.

I would like to say that the NFL is run by retards but that would be an insult to retarded people everywhere. The hue and cry from Steeler's faithful in this neck of the woods has been mighty since Modell boned the good people of Cleveland and moved the Browns to Baltimore. The Harrisburg CBS station that is forced to carry Raven's games has even fought with the NFL and offered to run both the Ravens on their normal channel and the Steelers on one of their FoxFamily (or whatever the hell it is) channels. Sounds like a good comprimise right? Wrong. The NFL won't hear of it. Nevermind that my Pennsylvania tax dollars were spent to build Heinz Field - that's a non issue to the slobbering dolts at the NFL.

So I'm stuck with the exciting AFC matchup of the Bengals and Browns on the CBS station that normally runs Steelers games. Either that or I'll continue to sit here and hit 'refresh' to watch the game stats on NFL.com.

In the immortal words of Eric Cartman I hate you NFL. I hate you so very much.

You Want To Meet My Leetle Friend Mang?

2004-11-26T20:39:00.000-05:00

Dispute over turkey blamed for stabbings

By Associated Press
Friday, November 26, 2004 WORCESTER, Mass. - A man was charged with stabbing two relatives who allegedly criticized his table manners during Thanksgiving dinner.

Police said the fight broke out when Gonzalo Ocasio, Jr., 18, and his father, Gonzalo Ocasio, 49, reprimanded an uncle for picking at the turkey with his fingers, instead of slicing off pieces with a knife, the Worcester Telegram & Gazette reported Friday.

The uncle, Frank Palacious, 24, of Worcester, allegedly responded by stabbing them with a carving knife.

The father and son were being treated for stab wounds at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center.

And now ladies and gentlemen, the embellishment. Please read all text in quotes using your best Al Pacino 'Scarface' inner voice.

The following text is taken from an interview with the senior Ocasio at the hospital after the attack.

"Jes mang, he was like picking at the bird mang, and his big greasy fingers was all over it. I said to heem 'Frankie, what the **** ees your problem? Why you gotta get your stinkin' meathooks all over da ******** bird mang?' And then Frankie man, he gets a look in his eyes mang. Rosita was cryin' already cause the bird, it was a mess mang. So I says 'Joo gitchyer hands OFF THE BIRD NOW MANG!!!!' and Frankie lost it mang. He pulls the blade off the table and stands up real fast like so his chair goes flying into Rosita's cabinet and all of her pottery burros came crashing down mang. Frankie starts talking crazy like 'Choo want me to use a blade mang? Choo want me to cut something up mang?' and then he starts slashing at me and junior. He cut my best shirt mang. He don't come to dinner no more"

Editor's Note: As always we would like to apologize to any you who may have been offended by this article. Mike the Right Wing Spic comes to mind but I have the feeling that he is not prone to PC weeping and hand wringing. If any of you were in fact upset by the use of my racial stereotype I suggest you place an accordian on your genitalia and repeatedly smash it with a ball peen hammer. If that doesn't work for you give me a holler. I'll be in the kitchen cooking pasta in my wife beater t-shirt listening to Sinatra while I drink red wine, make business deals and putting grease in my hair.

Thanksgiving Day Turkeys

2004-11-24T19:47:00.000-05:00

"Liberals need to come up with grand theories. Their explanations are far more existential. They get to be very literary and metaphorical and Freudian and flowery." - Jonah Goldberg, National Review

"Not to mention really, really angry. The extreme left is still ticked off about the election and frankly the louder they squeal the more I'm enjoying it." - Kevin the One-Armed Boy

From all appearances - at least those on my radar screen - most libs are still seething over the election results. The twisting and spinning was inevitable. And what you may ask is my reaction to all of this? An opportunity to salt some wounds. Here's your shaker. Apply liberally (pun intended).

I now present you with 'A Big Fat Hunka Hunka Burnin' Losers'. Some of these are
election/politics related, some are on the periphery.

The Democratic Party. Where do they turn after the Gore/Kerry flameouts? Maybe it's time to grab onto concrete issues and think about solving the problems faced by Americans and to stop worrying about the causes championed by the extreme left and entertainment bubbleheads. I mean for crying out loud Hillary Clinton looks like a bastion of moderation when contrasted with John F. Kerry. Bill Clinton knew the secret but thankfully the Democratic powers-that-be aren't able to grasp it.

Hollywood Liberals. Speaking of bubbleheads can anyone take a stab at quantifying the angry undercurrent generated when someone like Barbara Streisand spouts off about war/SUV's/energy et al? Most of the libs I've asked have intimated that they wish these court jesters would shut the hell up and get on with making crappy movies and music for the drooling masses who consume their products.

Dan Rather. As the Drudge Report so tactfully put it: 'Anchors Aweigh'. Dan flaming out in a Watergate-esque controversy is not only fun to watch but somewhat karmic in its irony. At best it's poetic justice. At worst it's a sad Arthur Miller play where an aging icon who was once relevant is shoved off the cliff into oblivion - a product of the left-leaning beast he helped to create. Which brings us to....

Network News. Who watches network news in this day and age? I'll tell you who. People who don't use the internet. Old people. Very old people. People who still think you have to wait until 6 o'clock to hear the nightly reading of the scripts by actors. As this demographic continues to fade away I predict that the nightly news will bite the dust within the next ten years.

Michael Moore. While the campaign may have been helpful in lining this fat jerk's pockets the long-term prognosis for this creator of pseudo-documentary is less optomistic. His techniques and truth-bending have been shown under a very bright light and he and his Shrill Patrol brethren (Al Franken comes to mind) are better at getting the backlash conservative vote out than they are at rallying their own troops.

The Extreme (and not so extreme) Left. Angry libs. Blue Staters (whatever that's supposed to mean). Those who would bend any stat, poll or data to reflect will or intent. You know what folks? Data, polls and stats can be spun any old way one chooses. Take 'em out of context, ignore relevance or turn a complex tapestry into black and white and you have a platform. It appears to me that any subject can be gleaned from the vast wheat field of issues and held up as a single reason why conservatives are all wet or well, just plain stupid. That to me is when the vineyards start yielding sour fruit. Ok, enough farming analogies.

So spin away. You lost. If you win in four years I'll probably be right here doing exactly what you're doing now. Ain't it grand?

A Nice Ride

2004-11-23T20:42:00.000-05:00

I had four hours to myself in the car today. Four peaceful, wonderful hours. No kids, no wife. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. The trouble is that on my yearly pilgrimage to New York to harvest (that's French for 'kill') a deer we stay at my in-law's house. The plus side is that I'm out of the back door and in the woods 3 minutes later. The bad news is that it's a 2 bedroom house meaning that my wife and I share sleeping quarters with a 3 year old, a 7 year old and a weiner dog. That's more togetherness than I can bear. They headed back to Dodge (that's French for 'Lancaster') yesterday while I was sitting in the woods waiting for meat on the hoof. My hunting trip was supposed to last until Thanksgiving but as you probably have guessed by now I'm home. It seems that Bambi's father made one last mistake by taking a stroll in the vicinity of my tree stand at 3:05 yesterday. After I shot him I did my best Vito Corleone impression right there in the woods and said "never go against the family".

As I drove home today several things went through my mind (luckily one of those things wasn't a truck. Maybe I also should have spent some time pondering my excessive use of parenthesis). My thoughts were first guided by a classic rock station that kept me company for an hour or so. For every band like Styx who made enough money to be comfortable for the rest of their lives you had a Georgia Sattelites. I bet Dan Baird is singing "Keep Your Hands to Yourself" in some dive bar tonight just to have a couple of nickels to rub together. My other classic rock thoughts pretty much went along the lines of "if I never hear any of this music again it'll be darned OK". Another hour was taken up by the Sponge Bob Squarepants movie soundtrack CD. I bought it for a couple of reasons. One, my son and I are SBSP aficionados and saw the movie on Saturday. Second, Miss Ginger said the CD was good. That's enough for me. It is good. Silly, happy, rocking good. Motorhead is on it. I almost yelled "that's freaking Lemmy" when I heard Motorhead during the movie. Ween is on it. There are a couple of B-52's sounding bands on it who I'm not young or hip enough to know of. Oh yeah, if you don't have a 7 year old you can probably take a pass on the movie. Eh.

So I'm back two days early. Hope you enjoyed the freebie.

Editor's Note: As a public service we would like to offer you the lyrics to the Goofy Goober Song. With luck we'll be sued for copyright infringement.

The Goofy Goober Song
I'm a goofy goober, yeah
You're a goofy goober, yeah
We're all goofy goobers, yeah
Goofy goofy, goober goober, yeah!

Bloggin' At Work

2004-11-18T17:08:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time I used to work in Corporate America. I started blogging during my last year as a member of the veal cattle cubicle dwelling set and spent considerable time doing it. Since my bottom line is now directly impacted by the hours I spend in the pursuit of actual income generating activities I find myself spending less and less time getting involved in flame wars - both here and on other blogs.

Let's take a casual and totally unscientific look at how much time the average working blogger spends sending messages, flaming and surfing on the company dime. Let's also say that this poster/surfer/chatter averages about an hour per day in pursuit of said activities. Kind of scary considering that adds up to 250 hours a year out of 2,000 working hours. At $35/hr we're looking at The Company paying this employee $7,500/yr for happy fun times on the web. Hell, cut the numbers in half and it's still bad. Take my last 6 months of employment at Giant Soul Sucking Corporation and you can double the numbers. Pretty gruesome but it's also a good testament as to why I got out of a job I hated.

Having said all of this I'm still a firm believer that work expands to fit the time alloted for it. On my slow days I'm still inclined to play on the web but fortunately slow days are few and far between.

BTW, I won't be posting again until after Thanksgiving. I wish each and every one of you a good couple of days off and some quality time with the ones you love and/or tolerate - regardless of who you voted for.

The Lofty Left

2004-11-17T20:18:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Biff for introducing me to the following article. A fine read for those of us who have a hard time stomaching the elitism of some of the left.

A small but significant, because articulate, sliver of the Democratic Party seems to relish interpreting the party's defeat as validation. This preening faction reasons as follows: the re-election of George W. Bush proves that 51 percent of the electorate are homophobic, gun-obsessed, economically suicidal, antiscience, theocratic dunces. Therefore to be rejected by them is to have one's intellectual and moral superiority affirmed. more.......

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2004-11-16T18:53:00.000-05:00

The holidays are almost upon us and there's a distinct crispness to the air. Secular Christmas is creeping towards maximum overdrive and we haven't even roasted the Thanksgiving bird. So why am I excited? It's nearly time for my yearly pilgrimage to New York state to sit in the woods and wait for a buck to wander in front of my stand. Hello venison.

I only wish it were that easy. In fact, I hope it isn't as easy as last year when a nice buck strolled in front of me before 7 a.m. on opening day. You see, some of the best days of my life have been spent sitting perfectly still in the woods watching nature's unending play. You haven't really lived until you've watched the sun come up over the rise of a mountain while snow falls gently to the earth. Relatively few humans have had the distinct pleasure of watching a red fox frolic in the snow. I've seen turkeys feeding, squirrels playing, grouse, pheasant, rabbits, mice, moles, snakes, hawks and just about any other species of Northeastern US woodland creature with the exception of a bear.

I usually trudge into the woods around 5:30 a.m. My job and the stress of everyday life melt away as I get comfortable in my tree stand and sneak a cup of coffee before the players awaken. If I'm lucky there's no wind and I can hear deer in the distance begin their morning ritual of milling about in the dead leaves. Hopefully a few doe will wander by to get my heart pumping and help me ward off the cold. The morning silence will be broken by the sound of the opening day guns but even that will subside into near silence by 9 a.m. From that point on the shots are sporadic. Although I'm still 'hunting' at that point my mind starts to absorb the beauty of the plant life, the sound of the breeze washing over the landscape and trees and the path of the sun through the morning sky. There's something holistic about sitting perfectly quiet in the bosom of nature. Solo hikers know it. Most hunters know it. I'm going to start teaching my son about it one day soon and I already know he's going to 'get it'. It was sometime in the early 70's when my dad taught me. Let the cycle continue.

Rural Minnebraska News

2004-11-14T19:15:00.000-05:00

Local scallywag Tommy Finn was recently fined $8 for making wolf whistles at female passers-by.
Dane Peller sat on Mrs. Betty Hildebrandt's new bonnet during bingo at the Grange hall this past Saturday night. Mr. Peller expressed regret to Mrs. Hildebrandt but onlookers report that his apologies were met with not only with a barrage of profanity but also questions and insinuations regarding the lineage of his kin.
Farmer Bill Hutchins has sadly reported that many of his herd have come down with crusted bag and caked teat. Treatments of Dr. Johnson's Soothing Balm have yielded mixed results.

.....We interupt this broadcast to bring you a real story that just popped into my head. Our former nanny - a nice Mennonite girl - told us her father was once in a line of work that found him visiting many of the local Amish farms. On one of these visits he knocked on the door and farmer Amos came rumbling down the stairs. As they transacted their business and time passed he heard a female voice holler from the upstairs "Amos! Are you done with me yet?".

Editor's Note: This is a nice story. I recommend that you share it with your families during Thanksgiving dinner this year.

This Was The NFL

2004-11-12T21:35:00.000-05:00

N'uff said.

Editor's Note: Jack Lambert was a good football player. He was feared by his opponents and I never once saw him dance like a chicken or act like a 6 year old. I still love rooting for the Steelers but you know what? It ain't the same in 2004.

Larry King On Crack II

2004-11-10T20:12:00.000-05:00

Hi, Larry King here. Thanks for tuning in. I'm wearing an adult undergarment.

For my money nothing beats a nail into a piece of wood like a hammer.
You know, when you get to be my age comfort is king and the crown jewel on my prostate is Sans-a-Belt slacks.
Mark my words: Bert Convy will be heard from again.
Call me crazy but I think 'Manwich' sounds like the title of a gay porn movie.
This one time I was at a party hosted by Sinatra and he told me to crawl around and bark like a dog. After I got done Sammy pulled me aside and said "you know man, those cats aren't laughing with you babe". That Sammy, what a kidder.
Too too shy shy. Hush hush, I do I.
Morey Amsterdam put Cribbage on the map in Hollywood and don't let anyone tell you any different.
I'm pretty blocked up. Someone get me a laxative.

Editor's Note: This one time when I was a kid I walked into a Kmart with my old man and this really, really fat woman was walking out. She ripped a tremendous gaseous expulsion from her hinder regions. Me and my Dad, we laughed really hard that day.

Biff Ponders Thusly

2004-11-09T18:40:00.000-05:00

It appears that Biff still has access to a computer and some type of input device. Biff as you may recall was around at the beginning of Baked Chunk and authored some articles back in the day - whatever the heck that means.

"Barry Mannilow had many a hit back in the day."
"Panties were really, really big back in the day."
"John Wilkes Booth was a fairly good shot from up close back in the day."
"Back in the day Jack Lambert probably would have literally killed Terrell Owens."

But I digress.

Biff opines that the haul of halloween candy is not quite up to snuff when compared with the loot from back in the day. I dunno. Let's think about this.

When I was kid:
Apples
Coins taped to cardboard containing some stupid message.
Tootsie Rolls
Smarties
Popcorn balls (also an affliction experienced by men who sit on packages of Orville Redenbacker)
Full sized Snickers, Milky Way and other candy bars.
Mallow Cups
Plain lollipops
Wax Lips
Bubble Gum Cigars
Candy Cigarettes (what was up with that?)

My kids haul this year:
Smarties
Sweet Tarts
Peanut Butter Cups
"Fun Size" Snickers, Milky Way, Mounds & Almond Joy, bags of M&M's (not many mind you and when did 'too small' become 'fun'?)
A few microscopic Tootsie Pops
Tootsie Rolls
Many nondescript tart hard sweet candies

Volume wise I think my kids do better. I lived in a fairly remote are growing up and my kids live in a development with a huge kid demographic. So whose candy is better? Call me nostalgiac but I'll take Frankenstein's Monster's sack from 1976 over Sponge Bob's bag from 2004 any day.

Editor's Note: You may have noticed an absence of "Editor's Notes" in recent posts. We regret this oversight and vow to not repeat this egregious oversight again in tonight's post.

Weekend Audit

2004-11-07T20:26:00.000-05:00

John F Kerry is back home sleeping on piles of Tahrayzah's dead husband's cash and out of my life.
"Run Hillary Run" bumper stickers have become popular but only for the front of the car.
Steelers crushed the Eagles. T.O. kept out of endzone.
Lib whining almost back down to a dull mewl.
The term "Riverdance" almost never appears on my radar these days.
I have crafted the perfect recipe for twice baked spuds.
I like this guy.

Yep, life is good.

The Frenzy Years: Young, Stupid and Loud

2004-11-04T21:16:00.000-05:00

OK Miss G, this one is for you.

Why just look at these lovely young ladies. This was about 1987. Can you guess which one is me? Hint: I still have that guitar.

Give up? Here it is. Yes, I was in a hair band. I was in a fairly popular hair band. Nothing national mind you but we were local heroes and had a large following and some record company interest. Thank God it didn't pan out.

And yes, this look 'worked' in 1987 if you get my drift.

It's Over Johnny

2004-11-03T18:07:00.000-05:00

Thank God. Literally.

The blogging world can move on now. Hollywood can shut their collective pie holes. Perhaps best of all John 'Litigation Boy' Edwards can crawl back under his rock. Edwards never met a client with a million bucks he wouldn't defend and his motives and tactics as a lawyer were deplorable. Heck, I could have lived with Kerry (ugh, did I just say that?) content with the knowledge that Billary wouldn't have been running in '08. Speaking of Hillary the thought of her in the White House in '08 sends big, hairy chills down my spine.

Others have blogged ad nauseam on this topic but here's a few things I wish for in the next 4 years.

Get out of Iraq fast. Do whatever is necessary in terms of quick ass kicking without having to worry about the opinions of the general public.
Less angry rhetoric. The chasm between those on the left and those on the right is huge and ugly. Blame the media and the in-your-face nature of the internet and bloggers. Both sides need to show a LOT more respect and accept the fact that people have different core beliefs. I've always found it odd that many folks who scream about tolerance are the least apt to practice it when views counter to their own are presented.
Fight terrorism where it lives and expand that fight if necessary. Oddly enough Osama Bin Laden seemed a little stoked in his recent 'message' to the US. Do you think that had anything to do with the fact that he and his black-souled followers would rather operate out in the (relative) open again?
Deal with North Korea and Iran.
Make tort reform a reality.
Halt abortion as a form of birth control.
Substantially reduce the massive national debt.
We get to watch fat jackass Michael Moore slip into anonymity. His relevance is up for bid on eBay.
John Stewart doesn't become afflicted with 'Angry Guy Who Used to Be Funny' disease. He seems to be on his way.

Four more years people. Let's make the best of it no matter who you voted for.

Engaged

2004-11-02T19:18:00.000-05:00

Vestibule-Kzmieczak

Mr. and Mrs. L. Theodore "Slats" Vestibule, Lower Skankton Township, announce the engagement of their daughter, Miss Penelope Katherine Vestibule, Upper Skankton, to Mr. Calvin Kerry Kzmieczak, Lake Pizwater, Minnebraska, son of Larry "Shaky" Kzmieczak, Slappytown, and the late Beatrice Eustice "Chicken Lips" Kzmieczak, hole in the ground.

The bride-elect is a graduate of Upper Skankton High School and Madame Lilly's Beauty School. She is employed as a Cuticle Engineer at Shear Agony Beauty Shoppe.
Mr. Kzmieczak attended Ted Nugent Memorial High School in Minnebraska. He is currently employed as a drifter.

A February 30, 2005 wedding is planned.

Editor's Note: Take a left at Slippery Ed's and go about 3 miles straight until you get to the old abandoned chicken de-beaking factory. Go down the road a spell and it'll be on your left. Can't miss it.

VAMPIRE MONKEYS

2004-11-02T07:25:00.000-05:00

You just can't make this stuff up.

Editor's Note: Vampire Monkeys would be a fantastic name for a band. Others we would like to submit for consideration follow.

Chipmunk Zealot
Pizza Inna Cup
Fard
Larry King Diamond

Welcome to Heck

2004-11-01T15:25:00.000-05:00

November 2.

It's almost here. Tomorrow I'm going to get up and go to the polls and cast my vote for the more conservative guy. I wish I had the stones to ignore all media outlets until about Friday but I'm sure I'll be a drooling idiot listening to every misguided knee-jerk prediction by the various talking heads (Note: I might even watch a little Dan Rather because he seems to achieve his pinnacle of whacked-out goofiness on election night).

Here are my election eve wishes.

Kerry loses big.
My swing state phone stops ringing and tele-idiots stop asking for my vote. Both sides mind you.
Lawyers and judges (especially judges) have nothing to do with the outcome.
John Edwards goes away. Wait, he went away about 3 months ago.
In a fit of post-election rage Michael Moore eats himself.
Mayor McCheese is appointed as Ambassador to France.
The best of health to the Supreme Court justices.
Pie for all.

And now I, Kevin the One-Armed boy make my prediction.
Kerry wins.

You don't know how much it hurt to actually type those words. Having said that it's every citizen's obligation to vote and with that in mind if you don't have a clue about the candidates keep your fat rear end at home and don't muck it up for the rest of us.

Mummsy Come Home

2004-10-28T21:56:00.000-04:00

My wife is out of town attending a conference. This event has led me to several conclusions.

Children achieve a heightened state of anxiety 10 minutes after the departure of mother unit. Anxiety results in fighting, mewling and whining reminiscent of a Michael Moore speech.
It is possible for a cat to sense void created by absent mother unit and respond by yakking(sp?) up breakfast 37 times in the span of 10 minutes. It is also possible for the resultant vomit to be on every flooring surface in every room of the house.
Fully house-trained dog decides it's ok to dump on the carpet. Quite possibly some long dormant wolf-response to smell of feline puke.
Men are not programmed to select the proper clothes for a 4 year old girl.
Men do not respond well when simple act of hair brushing results in 4 year old girl crying.
Men more inclined to respond in the affirmative when wife is 200 miles away and 7 year old son encourages man to 'drive really fast'.
Cereal really IS good for dinner.
Kids don't like coffee.
I can hang as a single dad and thank God I don't have to. Come home honey, soon.

Editor's Note: You are a stinky person. Very, very stinky. We bet if you didn't take a shower for 3 days you would achieve full Master 'O' Stink status (as sanctioned by the Royal Order of Her Majesty's Sniffers). Oh so very stinky. Do your people call you 'El Stinko'?

Probably a Bad Idea

2004-10-27T22:13:00.000-04:00

Really horrible politically incorrect things to say to a foreign guy who works in your office.

Your wife, did you guys get engaged as infants or did you have to give her father some cattle?
Do your people wear shoes? (with apologies to Spaniard)
Did you ever use a bidet as a water fountain?
How far was the well from your house?
Ronnie James Dio was the best President this country ever had. You should tell your parents that the next time you write them a letter. Can they read?
When you rode the bus were there a lot of goats?
Did you ever use your tandoor oven as a bong?
Did you guys have frats? Did you all wear Nehru jackets?
Your people, do they like the rock and roll?
Man, your lunch really stinks. Whoo!

Editor's Note: This post was so very, very wrong. We apologize to any of you who eat curry on a daily basis, pull a rickshaw or smell bad. We also apologize and tip our hats to those of you who are overseas and have taken the tech job of an American for a lower salary. We salute you for your initiative and also laugh openly at the idiot CEO's and CIO's who end up paying out the nose for your crappy job performance and subsequent negative impact on the company's bottom line.

A Tip From Your Pal

2004-10-27T07:51:00.000-04:00

People, I'm here to help.

As a realtor I encounter varying degrees of 'pride of ownership' and general home maintenance. You wouldn't believe some of the things I've seen. Then again, maybe you would. I'm suddenly reminded of the elderly Ecuadorian gentleman who was shopping for a home. We were going through a house and it was obvious that it was the home of a single woman. For some reason she had left a decidedly naughty piece of underwear on her bed. My buyer picked up the garment and took a big sniff. I was dying and could only mangage "um, you probably shouldn't be doing that".

Horny old men aside this post is about the bane of my existence. That's right.....cat pee. If you want to throw thousands of dollars of equity to the wind then I highly suggest you get right out and buy a cat and teach it how to p*ss all over your carpets. Not just a couple of times mind you. Let it accumulate for years so that it's sure to soak through the carpet and padding and right into the subfloor. Mmmmmmm. They haven't invented the baking cookie that'll cover up that nasty stank.

Editor's Note: To complete the experience we'd like offer these additional home selling tips. Leave big piles of dirty, acrid smelling laundy piled in front of the washer. Cigarette butts in a styrofoam cup filled with water is a nice touch. Maked sure your bathroom sinks and toilets have at least a quarter inch of accumulated surface scum. Do NOT wash your dishes.

Damnit Jim I'm a Doctor....

2004-10-26T17:50:00.001-04:00

not a posting machine!

Sorry for the crickets chirping here the past couple of days but real life do take a toll sometimes. I'll hopefully be ejaculating prose anon. In other words I'll try and post something substantial tomorrow.

Editor's Note: Here's a little song I wrote, you might sing it when you slay some goats don't worry....be happy.

Thoughts I Think I Thought About

2004-10-24T19:15:00.000-04:00

I just received my New York state hunting license. This week I'll be picking up my Pennsylvania license. I sincerely doubt if I'll be bumping into John "wabbit twacks" Kerry as my regular hunting spots have been uncontaminated by persons toting cameras for the past 30 years.

I'm giddy over this story. Rosie O'Donnell has never been funny, in fact I find her to be downright annoying - and don't get your panties in a wad because I felt that way before she started sporting the bull dyke coif. She's always had an agenda. She used to have a platform. Karma has reared its ugly head and now she's down to only an agenda.

Searing scallops in olive oil is well worth the mess. Don't turn 'em into Super Balls though, ok?

The Penn State Nittany Lions football program saddens me greatly. Saturdays in the fall used to be fun in these parts but man, what a drag.

I'm so ready for this election to be over. Frankly I'm tired of it. It's a great story and a great battle but really, it's two rich liars spewing vote garnering gibberish day in and day out. My liar happens to be conservative which is more in tune with my set of beliefs. By the way, If the election is your life then you should consider a hobby. I hear that taking pictures of hunters who don't want to offend anyone by being captured on film with their quarry is a lot of fun.

RJD, The Man on the Mitten Mountain

2004-10-23T20:46:00.000-04:00

Ronnie James Dio please make me some mittens.
I plea to you Ronnie with eyes all a-glistenin'.
You're the last in line but I know that you can
knit some warm fabric to envelope my hands.

Oh! How I pine for your mittens so fine.
As the farmer rich loam, the surrealist sublime.
King of Rock and Roll please consider this plea
and make your fine mittens a blessing to me.

Fin

Editor's Note: Are mullets still funny? We answer with a resounding PROBABLY!

Welcome to Post #15

2004-10-21T20:31:00.000-04:00

Well, it's the fifteenth post on Blogger. I figure I've probably made somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 posts since I started this dubious hobby. 285 Blogdrive posts right down the old crapper. Adios amigos, you were words on a screen and I kicked you right off of the dang ol' diddly internet and onto my hard drive. Goodbye Ellis, Toaster Repairman. Toodles to you "Ode to a Cheez Wheez". Alas, I wax not only my chicken but also for posts gone by.

But when you really think about it who cares?

And now, a song.

Me an my homeys chillin' down at da mall
s'up wid dat Cinnabon cookie y'all? (Yo! Represent!)
Wearin' the colors and king of my 'hood.
But I gots me some homework and gots to do good.
I gots the huge pants hangin' down to da knee.
Gots me Joe Boxers right at cha to see.
Me and my homeys we be lilly white.
We gots lots o' money but don't matter, aight?
Here come some brothers, man they down wid us......
Crap! Joey! Mickey! That one's got a knife! Get out of here! Run!!!! RUN!!!!!!
Joey, Mickey and Ken ran as fast as they could out to the parking lot but were tackled and pummeled by the boys from downtown who took exception to the rich white boys stealing their look, vernacular, music and attitude.

Yep, strange post. If you haven't been around here much get used to it.

Editor's Note: This has been post number 15. Some of my better posts have been CW Post, whipping post, Post Toasties, and perhaps my all-time favorite lamp post.

Milford

2004-10-19T20:30:00.000-04:00

Hello Milford. Long time no see. I'm just so very happy to see you. Glad you haven't died or anything. Would you like some soup? Oh too bad, we're all out. Please, have a seat. No, not there. Grab one of the folding chairs there in the corner. So, have you been well? Super, just really super. I'm so very glad to hear it. Do you need to leave soon? No? Oh, ok. Hmmmmmm. Mmmmmm. Dum de dum.......WELL! Look at the time! I have to get to the cleaners! Oh, you're right, they aren't open on Sunday. Guess I'll have to go tomorrow. Um, I'll be right back.

Later that night Milford found Larry sitting on the roof reading "The Cask of Amontillado". Milford chuckled to himself as he pushed Larry off the roof and watched him tumble into the compost heap.

The End

Editor's Note: Whenever you want to give a bit of whimsy some credence mention some vague work by Poe. If you can work in a tie-in to Monty Python then you've hit a homer. Here goes.

Old Lady: Thank you Mr. Amontillado. I'd like to ask one or two of you at the back not to soil the carpet, there is a restroom upstairs if you find the poems too exciting (she falls over) Good afternoon, next, Mr. Dennis Keats will recite his latest problem 'Ode to a glass of sherry'. (she falls off the podium)

Keats:

My heart aches and a drowsy numbness pains
My senses, as though an anteater I'd seen

(panic spreads and the audience half rise)

A nasty long-nosed brute

(screams from the audience)

With furry legs and sticky darting tongue I seem to feel its cruel jaws
Crunch crunch there go my legs Snap snap my thorax too

(various screaming women faint)

My head's in a twain, there goes my brain
Swallow, swallow, swallow, slurp (he loses control)

from Monty Python's Flying Circus Episode 41

Baked Chunk News

2004-10-19T07:08:00.000-04:00

Today I'm just mailing it in. Enjoy. Or not.

In the presidential race (insert humorous blurb about candidates that will be sure to create a maelstrom of angry comments) blah blah blah.
Tommy Tutone is still looking for that ever elusive second hit. Recent efforts have included "Patty Patty (987-4205)" and "Sally Sally (657-8109)".
Old people's toenails can get really, really gross.
Johnny was a schoolboy when he heard his first Beatle's song. "Love Me Do" I think it was and from there it didn't take him long.
In cycling the UCI (International Cycling Union....shoudn't it be the ICU?) announced today that Marco De Pepperoni of team Festapants is the only professional rider to have not tested positive for doping this season. De Pepperoni has also failed to finish a single race. "Ay, I just getta da water bottles, ok?" replied De Pepperoni when asked about his adherence to fair play.

That's the news.

Editor's Note: I just can't get enough Cher music in my life.

Proceed With Caution

2004-10-17T14:54:00.000-04:00

Please, if you are easily shocked or have a weak heart read no further.

In a stunning turn of events the New York Times has endorsed John F. Kerry for president. The Times has also gone out on a limb with the following endorsements.

Hand: Left.
Civil Rights Leader: Al Sharpton.
Producer: Michael Moore.
Writer we would most like to see sleeping with the fishes: Jayson Blair.
Guy we really, really hate: George W. Bush and anyone else to the right of Joe Lieberman
Polls we give validity to: Those with JFK in the lead (getting so much harder to find).
Most fit body to govern the United States: The UN

Editor's Note: Wave of the future: Ernest Borgnine Body Spray.

Life is Better Than Politics

2004-10-16T20:10:00.000-04:00

Today was one of the good days.

This 42 year old dad roller bladed with his 7 year old son for an hour.
Went grocery shopping with the wife and kids. Yes, I consider that fun.
Went for a night run and got caught in a downpour. The rain stopped as quickly as it had started and I spent 4 miles reflecting on my family and my God and how I need to prioritize them ahead of my career.
I turned my cell phone off when I got home and I'm not turning it back on until Monday. Business can wait a day.

Maybe it's the endorphins popping but I don't think so. See you in church tomorrow.

Editor's Note: Those in charge of the "Editor's Notes" have been sacked.

It's Top Ten Season

2004-10-14T21:10:00.000-04:00

Top Ten Reasons Why I Love John F. Kerry (with no apologies to the Admiral's 'Top Ten')

The 'F' is for FUN!
Silky smooth arm and hand movements greatly accentuate meaningless eloquent drivel. Could employ Clinton 'thumb move' with greater frequency.
He's more engaging than Mike Dukakis. Then again, so is Wilford Brimley.
Talks in circles so frequently that I tend to lose my focus and instead walk into kitchen to make a delicious sandwich therefore easing my angst over whatever topic he's avoiding making a commitment on. Also tends to trigger my propensity to write in run-on sentences.
TAHHHHH RAYZZZZZZZZZZ AHHHHHHHH!!!!! Mega rich b*tch snooty broad is more fun than a punch in the onions.
His faithful ward Skippy the Wonder Litigator AKA Pandering Haircut Boy.
He's not Howard Dean...... well, he wasn't until the second or third primary.
Has a detachable left arm. I bet you didn't know that.
Loves NASCAR. Who amongst us doesn't?
Jeff, Spaniard and Pragmatist all think he's the cat's pajamas. Do I really need any other reason?

Editor's Note: Few tools are funnier than the 'ball peen hammer'.

Right Wing Spic

2004-10-13T19:55:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present a shining new (well, new to me) gem in the overwhelmingly putrid blogosphere....

Right Wing Spic

And how can you not love that moniker?

Editor's Note: The editor would like to point out that the use of the term 'Spic' in no way indicates that we support the use of such terminology. Nor do we support the use of Wop, Chink, Kike, Spook, Pillow Biter, Frog (well, maybe we suppor that one), Honkey, Dago, Wetback, Dike, Kraut, Mick, Heeb, Garlic Eater, Gook, Camel Jockey, Cracker, and Towel Head. We also apologize to any groups who are offended at being left off of this list and as a honkey dago woppity wop I embrace your pain and cheer you on to find your inner chimp.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

2004-10-12T20:10:00.000-04:00

John Edwards made a fairly bold campaign promise today.

"We will stop juvenile diabetes, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and other debilitating diseases... When John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve are going get up out of that wheelchair and walk again."

Hallelujah Brother John! Testify!

Gulp. Seems the Breck Girl has a lot in common with my favorite heretic Benny Hinn. Promises of healing based on lies. Benny wants your money and Johnny wants your vote. And man, what a high road move using the corpse of Superman to try and snag a few 'undecideds'. I wonder if they rolled out an empty wheelchair under a solitary spotlight (let's not forget the dry ice smoke) as Lawyer Boy whipped the crowd into a frenzy. They just had to be piping in Elvis's version of "Glory, Glory Hallelujah".

And now, for the embellishment.

"When John Kerry is president there will be no poverty. A global coalition will spontaneously appear in the wake of his election victory causing terrorists throughout the world to throw out their plans of destruction and murder and become mere nusiances. It will only snow on ski resorts but there will be snow for one and all at Christmas! We will be for things before we are against them and then quite possibly for them again so we'll never be at odds with anyone! Cigarettes will be good for you! You will be able to eat pie every day at every meal. Male pattern baldness will be banished forever! FOREVER!!!!"

I feel better now.

Editor's Note: It's quite possible that Kevin the One-armed Boy needs to spend some time alone. Very quiet time with the help of licensed healthcare professionals.

An Ode to Lord Byron Sander

2004-10-11T19:23:00.000-04:00

Lord Byron Sander ate potaters
and munched on liver pies.
Poor Lord Sander found much later
that worms had been inside.
He retched and hurled his evening fare
and choked upon the bile.
Yet still he slipped and struck his head
when slipping on the pile.

The End

Editors's note: While Lord Byron Sander is loosely based on a guy named "Snader" this post would have been a lot better if I had used "Snader" instead of "Sander" just because of the rhyming quotient. You see, when I was writing it I had "Snader" in my head. Go back and read it agai....oh screw it - write your own stupid poem.

Harry

2004-10-09T15:34:00.000-04:00

It was Harry's first night in prison. As he finally began to relax on his lumpy cot he thought to himself "You did your crime Harry my boy. It's a bad thing to be in jail but you need to make the most of it. In fact, relish the time here and start embracing life right now!" Harry closed his eyes and smiled. Things just might be all right. A few moments later his eyes opened again as he heard his cellmate Otis exclaim.

"You sleepin'? I ain't. You gonna wake up now, mmm k?"

Baked Chunk News

2004-10-07T18:57:00.000-04:00

Good evening and welcome to another edition of Baked Chunk News. Tonight we're live in Minnebraska and coming to you from the Ted Nugent Memorial High School gymnasium where we're going to get a special treat a little later on. The Cal Chesterton Harmonimaniacs will be playing hits from such harmonica greats as the Sgro Brothers and The Harmonicats. Plenty of tickets are still available so come on over.

Earlier today local hot cakes vendor Ted Petrioliosis closed his doors after nearly 2 months in the business.
Minnebraska alderman Ron Jeremy has decided to change his name to Rod Peters. "I'm just sick of the prank phone calls" stated Jeremy.
Local legend Junior Holmes was recently featured on "Katy's Kable Access Korner". Holmes regaled the studio audience with musical favorites such as "I Done Et A Toad", "Biskits, Chikin, Taters 'N' Corn" and "Paddy O'Furniture Sittin' By Mah Pool".
The Ted Nugent High School Fightin' Wango Tango football team are 0 and 3 for the season but hope to rebound this weekend against cross town rival Sally Hanson's School of Dance.
Frenchmen recently flocked to Jean Paul's House of Apathy to smoke, wear horizontally striped shirts, and talk in annoying accents. "There was much talk about ze sandaweech" said one man who would only identify himself as "geet away from mee you...you stinking captaleest dog".

And that's the news.

Editor's Note: Larry King's "Taste 'o' Larry" snack foods. Coming soon to a grocer near you!

Spaniard Asks, I Answer

2004-10-06T20:47:00.000-04:00

The Spaniard, my evil liberal atheist bike riding pal, queries as to what issues I'm concerned about in regard to the potential Supreme Court appointees by the next El Presidente. Frankly Spaniard and I are less likely to argue about who was the ugliest Supreme but hey, that's no fun. Spaniard is a little left of Castro (IMHO of course) and I'm somewhere between Al Lieberman and Pat Robertson. Most of these issues can be impacted by the slam of a gavel.

Abortion. I'm against it. A long time ago I was a pro-choice advocate. Time, age and becoming a parent and a Christian conspired to change that stance. The advances in ultrasound imaging also played a HUGE role in that particular about face. How anyone could look at one of those images and say "ok, go ahead and kill it" operates on a plane I can't relate to.

The proliferation of secularism. On some levels I think that "One nation under God" and "In God We Trust" aren't really that important. I believe in a God who has given us the free will to make our own choices and that the Pledge and coinage have little to no impact on a society that is following closely on Europe's heels as far as living in religion-free zone. Still, when I die I hope I can clutch a nickel, read it and laugh a victorious little laugh.

Affirmative Action/hiring practices. Can you say 'all played out'? Bill Cosby once admonished a group of black students to study like Asian students by saying "Do you know why they are called Asians?" he asked. "Because they always get A's." I agree. Work hard people. All people.

And (drum roll please.......) same sex marriage. Not really a biggie as it's unlikely that the Supreme Court will touch this one anytime soon. That and I'm still trying to decide if I really care that much about this issue. Frankly, I've come to a point where I'm caring less about people who are smart enough to make their own choices and limiting my scope to my family, friends and people who really need help (i.e the poor/needy).

There's more but sheesh, it's 9:12 and I'm tired.

Editor's Note: "Moby Dick" is a great read but for my money there is no greater tome than "A Brief Guide to Mold, Moisture, and Your Home".

Darn

2004-10-06T08:59:00.000-04:00

I generally don't give a rip when celebs pass away but Rodney, you made me laugh.

Thanks for the memories.

The (not so) Great Debate

2004-10-05T18:48:00.000-04:00

Dick 'Lon' Cheney is taking on the Breck Girl tonight.

Yawn.

As many of you know I'm supporting Not Kerry for president. I'm a conservative and to me this election is more about party platform than the men who are running for office. I'm guessing that up to 3 chief justices could be nominated for the Supreme Court during the term of the next president and frankly that's more important to me than most debate fodder outside of the war on terror. I want the guy who selects the justices to champion my core beliefs on the major issues. John Kerry? No, John lives on a different planet than I do. And besides, who among us doesn't love NASCAR?

Having said that I thought W performed pitifully during debate 1. Dead air. Repeating things over and over. Crazed blinking and goofy facial contortions while J Freaking K was spewing well spoken trash. There were so many missed opportunities by W that I had to turn it off. I kept waiting for him to tear into Kerry like George Bailey giving it to Old Man Potter but it was not to be.

But does it really matter? Is debating skill (or more so 'public speaking' as these farces aren't really debates) a real litmus test for the ability to be president? I don't think so. I've known a lot of people who are crappy public speakers who I would follow into a burning building and a lot of sweet talkers who I wouldn't follow into an ice cream shop on a hot day. And while I'm thinking of it has ANYONE REALLY not made up their mind at this point who they will be voting against?

I hope the next debate is better. It can't get any worse.

Editor's Note: No wombats were injured in the creation of this post although several probably died naturally during the time it took me to write it.

Wherein Lord Byron Sander Admonishes His Manservant Mellish for Boorish Behaviour at Lady Snifferbottom's Recital on Pianoforte

2004-10-05T12:02:00.000-04:00

HORRORS! All of your comments have gone POOF!

I updated my comments feature to provide a third party user interface with a lower degree of suckage. Yon update had the net effect of

1) giving me a cooler interface.
2) nuking all of your comments.

Alas.

Editor's Note: The crowd recoiled in horror as the huge jungle cat dismembered the spunky puppy.

Breaking News

2004-10-04T20:06:00.000-04:00

Fans of Elton John were recently dazzled at the sight of the portly middle-aged star rising from the ground. Wild cheering ensued until the crowd realized that the floating was not part of the stage show. Roadies threw ropes and heavy objects at the weeping musician in an effort to pull him down.

"Elton has been using entirely too much loafer lightener" said Reginald Stones, chief of the road crew. "He's gettin' a bit jowly and thinkin' he looks a tad too butch so he's usin' the light'ner in spades. Maybe now he'll let up".

Editor's Note: She's got electric boots, a mohair suit, you know I read it in a magazine oooooooooh... buh buh buh Bennie and the Jets.

Beatrice

2004-10-03T18:29:00.000-04:00

Beatrice, would you be a dear and try not to pick at that thing on your nose? Thank you so very much. You see, the last time we were there you picked at it constantly. By the end of the evening there was liquid running out of it. I can see how it could be a distraction to you as it has grown quite large but I feel that it's only a nervous diversion for you. Am I correct? Yes, I thought so. Perhaps you should visit the doctor instead of soaking it with cream and letting the cat lick at it every night. I don't care if it feels good - it's not working.

Later that evening at the Effington fete, the huge throbbing pustule on Beatrice's proboscis burst like a water ballon sending vile liquid across the buffet table. A general panic ensued replete with screams of horror. Needless to say the party was ruined as was Beatrice's reputation amongst high society.

Editor's note: I'm thinking of having my knees removed for asthetic purposes.

Billy

2004-10-01T18:56:00.000-04:00

"Did you remember to lock the door hon?" "Yes, I'm positive I locked the door".

It was many years later when Billy finally came to terms with the day he walked in and saw Mommy and Daddy 'wrestling'.

The Players

2004-10-01T07:17:00.000-04:00

I would like to introduce the participants to any new readers who might drift in here as a result of my transition from Blogdrive to Blogger. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast.

Miss Ginger. Blogger extraordinaire and easy on the eyes. We've travelled a parallel path in the blogosphere and she has given me support from the giddyap. Canadian but I don't hold that against her. A true pal.
Daveman. Fellow Christian, darned funny guy, horrific speller. Great friend and ally. Left blogdrive with me in show of unity. We had our reasons folks, we had our reasons.
Doctor Doug. Former co-worker, entertaining blogger and another horrible speller. Scotch aficionado and fellow musician.
Admiral BD Afternoon aka Jeff. Chief antagonist and keeper of Blog Day Afternoon. He has ticked me off more than any other human being in the past year or so yet I still enjoy his blog and look forward to his rants. The Admiral persona is his attempt at being (his perception of) a right wing conservative fundy Christian nutter. I think the inherent insinuation is that he considers me to be one which is a little off the mark.
Greg. Owner of Greg's Insight. All around sensitive guy, great writer and a source of 80's Hair Band humor.
Chris. Owner of Noodleshop. He used to post a lot but now we have to wait for his infrequent nuggets of genius. Canadian living in Japan.
Opera Guitarist. Musician, cyclist and friend.

Other less frequent guests will include some of the following.

Spaniard. Evil lefty who leaves really angry comments and a personal friend. I'm always reminded that there is hope for polar opposites. I wish he would let his humor loose in his comments because he is one amusing legal alien.
Will is Right. Will shows up once every lunar eclipse. Holds similar viewpoints to mine and I wish he would show up more often. One funny dude.
Pragmatist. He hates everything I stand for. Has been dubbed 'Pragelitist' by Will.
Lord Byron Sander. Never comments but I continue to make fun of him.

I hope the cast grows. If I left anyone out then leave a nasty comment and everyone will remember you.

Editor's note: Try the veal.

Moving Day

2004-09-30T18:31:00.000-04:00

Ahhhh, there's nothing like the smell of a new blog.

Welcome to Baked Chunk, formerly of Blogdrive. Once I was listed amongst the 'Favorites' there but I was cut down in my prime because of my occasional declaration of political allegiance and wisecracks about liberals. They even mentioned that the Bush/Cheney pic/link was a factor. Harumpf.

So I did the manly thing and made little girlie noises, stamped my tiny little feet and ran away.

Here I am. Blogger. Blogspot. Whatever the heck they call it. Home of....well, other blogs. I like it here. They haven't annoyed me yet. I welcome all of my old friends from the virtual realm and I look forward to yanking the cranks of crabby people from all walks of life. Liberals, mouth breathers, atheists, teenagers in service industry jobs, bad poets, lazy slobs and Jeff. Especially Jeff.

Who knows, I may even make a few new friends.

Editor's note: When it's really foggy at night you should refrain from using your high beams. You should also avoid shoving a live squirrel down the front of your trousers.